It feels very strange writing this so openly but I promised I would share our whole deployment journey, so I guess that means the good and the bad.
Today was a good day. I got an email and a ten minute phone call, albeit broken, so I’m not entirely sure why I’m sitting up at midnight (well let’s be honest I’m always up at midnight, but you know what I mean!) upset.
I think the enormity of the situation ahead is starting to dawn on me. I’ve been busying myself through the last two months, taking on a crazy amount of blog and YouTube work in order to keep every single night filled up after work. Between that and making sure Little I’s every single need and want is catered to, it’s not left much time for thinking, moping and ultimately getting sad.
I’m now starting my maternity leave, but this time there’s no celebratory dinner or flowers. It’s just me and Little I. Which is wonderful, don’t get me wrong, she’s been an absolute star recently.
I don’t want to pack up all our stuff and move to Scotland without you. I don’t want to give birth without you. I don’t want you to leave us when baby is two weeks old. I don’t want to have to go through the pain of seeing Little I having to deal with you going again. I don’t want to wish away the first three months of our second child’s life just so I can see you again.
I’m tired. I’m sore. I just want you here. I miss you more than I’ll ever be able to say out loud. And it hurts.
Little I is changing every day at the moment and my heart breaks for you that you don’t get to be here to see it and be part of it. I’m trying so hard to document everything for you in our vlogs, but never feel I do it enough justice.
I am so proud of you and I know that this is your job, I accept that. It just sucks some times. And I really don’t like the word sucks!
Right. Now that’s all out, I’m sorry.
I know I’m supposed to be strong, and I am 99.9% of the time.
Time to shake it off and get on with the next month.
I love you.
I miss you.