Bear with me. I am having a bit of a confidence crisis. I’m not entirely sure what or who I want to be anymore. Do I want to be a career mum focused on my career outside of YouTube and blogging? Do I want to be a successful blogger and vlogger? Do I want to give it all up and just spend more time with my babies? I just don’t know.
What I do know is that I feel like I’m failing at trying to do all three at the moment. I feel like I am constantly preoccupied with blog and vlog things so that I’m not able to 100% focus on my day job. I constantly have ideas spinning round my head, to do lists to write, emails to answer, videos to film and edit, comments to reply to, social media to manage, all building up while I’m in the office. Then when I get home I have to cram as much as I can, work wise, into the evening, once the kids have gone to bed. I often don’t get to bed till 1am.
I feel like the kids prefer the husband at the moment because he’s always with them when I’m busy doing all the life admin. Cleaning, washing, errand running (I don’t tend to do blog and YouTube work when they’re awake unless they are involved or it’s an urgent deadline) etc. Of course he helps and is more than willing to do more but I’m one of these people who is a bit like ‘if you want a job done right…do it yourself’! So I miss out on the fun times with the kids so that we can all be organised, fed and in a nice tidy and clean house. I know I shouldn’t care so much, but I do, and I like having things a certain way around the house. Otherwise I can’t relax.
I love the idea of being a full time blogger and vlogger but I’m not sure I would like the reality. I don’t like not knowing how much income I will make month to month, chasing people for payments, worrying about stats and whether people will still like me next week. I’ve had quite a bit of hate recently and it’s made me realise how alone you actually are in this industry. Yes the community is great, and super supportive, but when it comes to the monetised side and the ‘job’ side, you are essentially on your own unless you have an agency or management helping you out. I’ve been left feeling super anxious and wondering whether anyone actually likes me which isn’t right.
At the same time though, I have poured my heart and soul into building this up for the past three years and it would be devastating to just walk away from it. I love being able to reach others and help in some small way. I always wanted a job where I could help others so this, in some small way, helps to fulfil that.
The last issue is that this time around I feel like I’m missing out more with going back to work. I’m not sure if it’s because the blog and YouTube work has stepped up so much so that it consumes my every waking minute (bit dramatic!), so that the spare time I do have with the kids feels rushed and hectic, or if it’s because I feel guilty for separating I & L so much during the week, or if I just appreciate how fast it goes more, but I miss my babies. I LOVE working and could never not work but I wish I could take them with me.
So where does it all leave me? Not a clue. But I’m not sure I can keep going on the way I am. I am exhausted and something has to give. I don’t want to be the mum that all my kids remember about is how much she worked. I need more of a balance.