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A UK Pregnancy, Parenting and Lifestyle Blog
July 15, 2018

Deployment Day

Here we go again. Another six months. It’s strange how quickly all the familiar feelings come flooding back. How quickly you can go from being ‘ok’ to definitely not being ok.

You can prepare all you want, practically and emotionally, but when the day actually comes, it hits you like a bloody double decker bus. I thought I’d be ok. I thought I had built myself up emotionally because R has been away 80% of the year leading up to the deployment anyway. I was wrong.

How will I cope? I’m so lonely already. I just want to go home to Scotland. How has this come around again so fast? I have no escape this time. I’m so tired. I don’t want to do everything myself. It’s not fair. I don’t want to dread every weekend again. These are the questions and thoughts going around my head just now and I can’t make them stop, as much as I want to.

R’s flight was early morning and the check in closed three hours before the flight actually went (don’t ask) so we set off to RAF Brize Norton at about 1.30am, after about two hours sleep. We decided to take him, instead of him getting on the bus that was going from the dockyard because I had been away for the two weekends leading up to it (hen weekends). I wanted us to spend every minute together before he went. I also think it’s important for the kids at this age to see him actually go and make a connection to the fact he won’t be back for a while. I find if he just says goodbye at home and leaves out the front door, the kids just assume he is coming back that night – which makes everything even harder.

They seem ok for now. L had an absolute meltdown when R went through for his flight which surprised me. I thought it would be Little I. I’m sure her time will come. The realisation hasn’t hit yet, I don’t think. And when it does, I’ll just have to support her as much as I can.

We spent the time before he went playing in the kids’ play area (they didn’t have that last time) and drinking 90p cups of tea out of the vending machine. There were only a few people from R’s crew flying out that day so we chatted to some of them and then sat round in the main bit waiting for him to get called through.

I managed to hold it together and didn’t cry properly until we got back in the car. It’s the weirdest thing. One minute you are in a room with lots of people and then within minutes you are practically the only one left (because there are usually only one or two flights going at any one time). You kind of just have to pull yourself together and leave.

The drive home was hard because I was so tired. We had to pull over at a services so I could have a little nap, while the kids napped. No amount of coffee was helping!

We then just busied ourselves with the usual routine – Little I’s swimming, food shopping – and then met friends for lunch. The best way to cope is to be busy.

Setting up the deployment countdown board, playing the kids’ stories from Dada for bed time, tucking in their huggable heroes with them, tidying away R’s washing knowing he won’t need it for the next 6 months, even moving our car seat to my driving position knowing I won’t have to moan about him changing it to his again for a while – it’s all been a bit heart breaking.

I’m sure we’ll be fine very soon but for now I just want my husband and best friend back. I’m constantly checking to see if he’s arrived safely.

I don’t want to do the next 181 days.

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thismamalife

Working mum to 2 👦🏼👧🏼
Wanderer/Military Wife 🌍
💌 sarah@thismamalife.com
💻 thismamalife.com
📽 YT: thismamalife
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Find me here!👇🏻

Kisses and cuddles with my faves 💖💫 Kisses and cuddles with my faves 💖💫
‘Each of us as citizens, has a role to play in c ‘Each of us as citizens, has a role to play in creating a better world for our children.’ - Nelson Mandela ❤️
It’s not enough though, is it? We’ve always h It’s not enough though, is it?

We’ve always had diverse toys in our house (not enough, but I’m working on it ❤️), but when questioned ‘why do you buy your kids Black dolls?’, I’ve faltered and answered incorrectly. I would respond saying ‘because that’s the doll Isla liked the best. What does it matter? We’re all human’, rather than questioning why that person is questioning it in the first place.

In a massive learning curve this week, where I am actively trying to become an anti-racist ally, not just anti-racist/non racist in general, I have found so many shortcomings in my effort to educate my kids and in my own attitudes towards race. But this isn’t about me. So here are some resources I’d like to share on top of the ones shared in my stories.

Some books to read:
Me and White Supremacy - Layla F. Saad.
Why I’m No Longer Talking To White People About Race - Reni Eddo-Lodge.
How to argue with a racist - Adam Rutherford.
Brit(ish) - Afua Hirsch.
White Fragility - Robin Diangelo.
I Am Not Your Baby Mother - Candice Brathwaite.
So You Want to Talk About Race - Ijeoma Oluo.

Diverse kids books:
Anti Racist Baby - X. Kendi.
Riley Can Be Anything -Davina Hamilton.
Look Up - Nathan Bryon.
Mae Among The Stars - Roda Ahmed.
The Mega Magic Hair Swap - Rochelle Humes.
Let’s Talk About Race - Julius Lester.
Welcome To Our World - Moira Butterfield and Harriet Lynas.
This Book Is Antiracist - Tiffany Jewell.
The Extraordinary Gardener - Sam Boughton.
Let The Children March - Monica Clark-Robinson.
Ruby’s Worry - Tom Percival.
A Kids Book About Racism - Jelani Memory.

Some things to watch:
When They See Us.
13th.
Who Killed Malcom X.
Time: The Kalief Browder Story.
Explained: The Racial Wealth Gap.
Dear White People.
I am Not Your Negro.

My to do list:
- Sign more petitions.
- Donate to more causes.
- Listen to podcasts and share.
- Encourage changes in the school curriculum so that my children, and their classmates, get a better, much more rounded and diverse education.
- Call things out.
- Have honest/open conversations.
- Share content.
- To keep educating myself, whilst never expecting others to do it for me.

It’s just a starting point.

Thanks for listening x
Black Lives Matter. I can never pretend to unders Black Lives Matter.

I can never pretend to understand, but I will always stand.

I’ve been on a huge learning curve this week and have, shamefully, come to the realisation, which I should have a long time ago, that it’s not enough to just not be racist. We must also be actively anti-racist and do everything in our power to ensure our children are too.

Today is a day to stop, listen, support, educate ourselves, donate, sign petitions, take action in any way we can, big and small, to make sure that everyone knows we stand with our fellow humans, family and friends. But we can’t just do this today. We must do it each and every day going forward ✊🏿✊🏾✊🏽✊🏼✊🏻
And breathe! First day without both my babies for And breathe! First day without both my babies for the first time in 10 weeks today and it couldn’t have gone better. Both had wonderful days and were full of stories when they got home. I said over on stories last night, which got an incredible response so thank you to everyone who reached out, that I am completely comfortable with my choice to send the kids back to school and nursery but would never, ever judge anyone who felt different. We are all in different boats in this storm we’ve found ourselves in and what works for my family, might not work for yours. I have deliberately stayed out of the ‘are you sending your kids back or not?’ debate as it started to feel like another toxic discussion, in the media and on social media, that was resulting in yet another parenting divide.
I could have had the kids in this whole time, under key worker provision, but tried my best to hang on till the phased reopenings that I hoped would happen when they did. They were what I was aiming towards. Don’t get me wrong, I have LOVED having the kids at home together for such a sustained period, we have made lots of memories and learnt so much more about each other, but mixed in with the nature of my job and the fact that @thisdadalife is deployed and so I’m on my own with minimal support, I couldn’t have gone on much longer.
When I got in from dropping them off today, and as I went upstairs to work at my desk, I literally collapsed on the stairs and almost cried in relief. Relief that we made it through, as dramatic as that sounds. I don’t think I realised the toll it was taking mentally as I was constantly running on adrenaline.
I am so happy to get a bit more balance back and to, most importantly, feel like a better mum again. Not a snappy trying to juggle it all 24/7 with no break mum.
If you sent your kids back today, whether you wanted to or not, I’m with you and support you.
If you have kept them home in your bubble for longer, I’m with you and support you.
If you’re still unsure what to do and are undecided, I am with you and support you.
Nobody knows the full extent of someone else’s circumstances and we have to stop and realise that before we judge anyone else ❤️
Ibiza vibes in Puerto Gardeno today 😂☀️😅 Ibiza vibes in Puerto Gardeno today 😂☀️😅
This is the first year in YEARS that I have felt ok wearing a bikini. And I feel like it’s more down to how strong I feel, rather than how I look. Whatever it is, I hope it continues ❤️
On another note, how tanned does the @filterbymollymae fake tan make you look! 🙌🏻
(Both bikini and cover up are from last year).
#losingmyboobstho #youwinsomeyoulosesomehaha
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