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A UK Pregnancy, Parenting and Lifestyle Blog
February 11, 2018

My Baby Gave Me PTSD

Ah. This is a hard one to write. It’s not that I feel ashamed. Or that I don’t feel I should speak out. But it just feels wrong to say out loud. To say ‘my baby gave me PTSD’. I guess a better way to put it would be ‘my baby’s first year gave me PTSD’. How scary is that.

Scary that a teeny, tiny human being who has no idea what they are doing can have such a profound impact on your mental wellbeing. Scary that they, themselves, are in such a bad place that it drives you to breaking point and you sometimes can’t see a way back.

I’ve made no secret of how much I’ve struggled with L in his first year. He has silent reflux and a cow’s milk protein allergy, which you can read about here, and I’ve documented how hard it has been at times in videos and blog posts. I felt completely and utterly alone and didn’t want others to feel the same so I reached out and documented as much as I could in the hope that others who were suffering could relate.

The thing is though, 15 months in, I thought I was coping. I thought we were turning a corner. And we are turning a corner in terms of our bond and relationship, but my heart doesn’t seem to have healed from all the heartache we went through in his first year, so it that sense it still hurts and I’m still hurting.

I had a complete and utter breakdown one night a couple months ago where L was screaming, at about midnight, and I just couldn’t settle him. His particular cry that night brought me all the way back to the dark days when he was a newborn and he would just scream, and scream, and scream, and scream…you get the jist. I often fantasied back then about walking out and never coming back because each day was an absolute battle and struggle to get through. On this particular night though, something snapped and I lost it. I sobbed my heart out and scared the husband with how emotional and irrational I was being. I had picked L up out of his cot but wouldn’t let R hold him. I just sobbed and sobbed saying that ‘I couldn’t do it’, ‘that he didn’t love me’, ‘he didn’t want me to be his mum’, ‘that I was so sick of it all and couldn’t see a way out’. It was scary.

R managed to calm me down and get L off me eventually but I honestly felt broke. I felt like a part of my heart had broken. All I wanted was for my baby boy to love me, and feel settled by me, and I felt like a complete and utter failure because he didn’t. He never seemed happy around me. Always going to other people instead of me and as much as I joked and laughed it off, I longed with every ounce of my being for him to come to me for comfort. I honestly didn’t feel like I was his mum. Just someone who came in to try and help look after him.

We have moved on since then and L and I have had a lot more time where it’s been just us and his cutie pie of a sister (because the husband has been at sea a lot). This extra time has almost forced him to bond with me more and it’s been magical. He actually hugs me!!!! Albeit in-between head butts (split my lip last week), slaps and scratches, but I’ll take it! We have a few games we play together that he only does with me and I’m starting to slowly get, what appears to be, some love from him.

I really do hope this is the turning point for us and it’s onwards and upwards from here but I am still experiencing some things that just aren’t right. I sometimes freeze when he’s crying and I forget how to do anything. I forget how to change a nappy, I forget where his bottles are, I forget what I can do that might settle him. I literally freeze to the spot.

I’ve met a few gorgeous newborns recently and I’ve cried (I’m not a crier) over the fact that they are so dreamy and lovely, when L wasn’t. It is as if I am grieving for his babyhood. A babyhood that was tainted by pain and tears.

I get angry and frustrated way quicker than I should do, especially when he is being emotional. He is still a very emotional and needy (very cute) little boy and it’s sometimes tough to deal with that and stay positive when looking after him. If he spots you trying to leave a room to put a wash on, or if you turn your back to him to get something, he often full blow screams and cries and will run in any direction with his eyes shut and his arms in the air until he hits something and falls over (don’t ask).

I get goose bumps and feel physically sick when I think about how he used to be. I even still feel like that to some extent when I know I’m going to be left alone with him. I panic and worry about what will happen if he breaks down and I’m on my own. With a husband in the navy who goes away a lot, I’m having to just power through and try my best to banish those feelings.

But it’s not right. And with another deployment looming, it’s something I need to get sorted. I finally went to the GP. Mainly because I’ve been having this crazy nausea for about 6 weeks (which she thinks is something to do with the PTSD and anxiety) and got diagnosed with what she thinks is PTSD. I’ve been referred for counselling but the wait times on the NHS are quite high so I’m going to look into my options through work instead – we get private healthcare as part of our benefits package.

It’s a relief to hear that it’s not just because I’m a bad mum that I’m feeling like this. There is a reason. And one that is out of my control. One that I can hopefully get help with. Initially I felt a bit ridiculous because the husband has PTSD from a bad accident at work where he almost died, so it seems silly that I have it from our one year old but it does all make sense now. He was actually the one who suggested PTSD months ago when he was listening to my thoughts and watching the way I was being.

I have no problem with the concept of therapy and sharing feelings because intensive CBT and other talking therapies saved my life when I was suffering from anorexia when I was younger. I just thought that because of the fact I’ve been treated with a similar type of therapy before, my mind would have been strong enough to deal with these emotions. I suppose I’ve made it this far without a break down though so maybe it has helped up until now, but now it’s run out and more help is needed.

Hopefully this is a step towards leaving the reflux days behind us. Leaving the sadness, stress and heartache. And who knows, if I get another reflux baby in the future maybe I will be better equipped to deal with it.

If you are having any similar symptoms or feelings then please, please, please go to your GP. They can help and you can feel better.

A problem shared is a problem halved.

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Kisses and cuddles with my faves 💖💫 Kisses and cuddles with my faves 💖💫
‘Each of us as citizens, has a role to play in c ‘Each of us as citizens, has a role to play in creating a better world for our children.’ - Nelson Mandela ❤️
It’s not enough though, is it? We’ve always h It’s not enough though, is it?

We’ve always had diverse toys in our house (not enough, but I’m working on it ❤️), but when questioned ‘why do you buy your kids Black dolls?’, I’ve faltered and answered incorrectly. I would respond saying ‘because that’s the doll Isla liked the best. What does it matter? We’re all human’, rather than questioning why that person is questioning it in the first place.

In a massive learning curve this week, where I am actively trying to become an anti-racist ally, not just anti-racist/non racist in general, I have found so many shortcomings in my effort to educate my kids and in my own attitudes towards race. But this isn’t about me. So here are some resources I’d like to share on top of the ones shared in my stories.

Some books to read:
Me and White Supremacy - Layla F. Saad.
Why I’m No Longer Talking To White People About Race - Reni Eddo-Lodge.
How to argue with a racist - Adam Rutherford.
Brit(ish) - Afua Hirsch.
White Fragility - Robin Diangelo.
I Am Not Your Baby Mother - Candice Brathwaite.
So You Want to Talk About Race - Ijeoma Oluo.

Diverse kids books:
Anti Racist Baby - X. Kendi.
Riley Can Be Anything -Davina Hamilton.
Look Up - Nathan Bryon.
Mae Among The Stars - Roda Ahmed.
The Mega Magic Hair Swap - Rochelle Humes.
Let’s Talk About Race - Julius Lester.
Welcome To Our World - Moira Butterfield and Harriet Lynas.
This Book Is Antiracist - Tiffany Jewell.
The Extraordinary Gardener - Sam Boughton.
Let The Children March - Monica Clark-Robinson.
Ruby’s Worry - Tom Percival.
A Kids Book About Racism - Jelani Memory.

Some things to watch:
When They See Us.
13th.
Who Killed Malcom X.
Time: The Kalief Browder Story.
Explained: The Racial Wealth Gap.
Dear White People.
I am Not Your Negro.

My to do list:
- Sign more petitions.
- Donate to more causes.
- Listen to podcasts and share.
- Encourage changes in the school curriculum so that my children, and their classmates, get a better, much more rounded and diverse education.
- Call things out.
- Have honest/open conversations.
- Share content.
- To keep educating myself, whilst never expecting others to do it for me.

It’s just a starting point.

Thanks for listening x
Black Lives Matter. I can never pretend to unders Black Lives Matter.

I can never pretend to understand, but I will always stand.

I’ve been on a huge learning curve this week and have, shamefully, come to the realisation, which I should have a long time ago, that it’s not enough to just not be racist. We must also be actively anti-racist and do everything in our power to ensure our children are too.

Today is a day to stop, listen, support, educate ourselves, donate, sign petitions, take action in any way we can, big and small, to make sure that everyone knows we stand with our fellow humans, family and friends. But we can’t just do this today. We must do it each and every day going forward ✊🏿✊🏾✊🏽✊🏼✊🏻
And breathe! First day without both my babies for And breathe! First day without both my babies for the first time in 10 weeks today and it couldn’t have gone better. Both had wonderful days and were full of stories when they got home. I said over on stories last night, which got an incredible response so thank you to everyone who reached out, that I am completely comfortable with my choice to send the kids back to school and nursery but would never, ever judge anyone who felt different. We are all in different boats in this storm we’ve found ourselves in and what works for my family, might not work for yours. I have deliberately stayed out of the ‘are you sending your kids back or not?’ debate as it started to feel like another toxic discussion, in the media and on social media, that was resulting in yet another parenting divide.
I could have had the kids in this whole time, under key worker provision, but tried my best to hang on till the phased reopenings that I hoped would happen when they did. They were what I was aiming towards. Don’t get me wrong, I have LOVED having the kids at home together for such a sustained period, we have made lots of memories and learnt so much more about each other, but mixed in with the nature of my job and the fact that @thisdadalife is deployed and so I’m on my own with minimal support, I couldn’t have gone on much longer.
When I got in from dropping them off today, and as I went upstairs to work at my desk, I literally collapsed on the stairs and almost cried in relief. Relief that we made it through, as dramatic as that sounds. I don’t think I realised the toll it was taking mentally as I was constantly running on adrenaline.
I am so happy to get a bit more balance back and to, most importantly, feel like a better mum again. Not a snappy trying to juggle it all 24/7 with no break mum.
If you sent your kids back today, whether you wanted to or not, I’m with you and support you.
If you have kept them home in your bubble for longer, I’m with you and support you.
If you’re still unsure what to do and are undecided, I am with you and support you.
Nobody knows the full extent of someone else’s circumstances and we have to stop and realise that before we judge anyone else ❤️
Ibiza vibes in Puerto Gardeno today 😂☀️😅 Ibiza vibes in Puerto Gardeno today 😂☀️😅
This is the first year in YEARS that I have felt ok wearing a bikini. And I feel like it’s more down to how strong I feel, rather than how I look. Whatever it is, I hope it continues ❤️
On another note, how tanned does the @filterbymollymae fake tan make you look! 🙌🏻
(Both bikini and cover up are from last year).
#losingmyboobstho #youwinsomeyoulosesomehaha
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