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A UK Pregnancy, Parenting and Lifestyle Blog
April 24, 2017

Why I wish I was pregnant again

And before you get excited, not for baby number three. Not for a good few years anyway! Just to be pregnant with L again. Despite the health problems, hospital admissions and going overdue, I loved being pregnant. There’s something so unbelievably special about creating a new life and nothing in the world quite compares to it. But that’s not actually why I wish I was still pregnant with him.

There’s more to it…

My lovely little boy,

When I was pregnant I could protect you.

When I was pregnant you didn’t know the horrors of silent reflux and all the pain it could bring.

When I was pregnant you didn’t cry and cry until you could barely breathe.

You didn’t have to be filled with medicine to try and comfort you.

You didn’t react to every food under the sun and despise weaning.

You didn’t need to be passed from person to person to try and stop you from getting upset.

You were safe and sound tucked up in my tummy and I could look after you without even thinking about it.

I’m sorry your start in life hasn’t been smooth sailing. I’m not sure what went wrong or why it happens but I wish I could take it away.

I’m sorry for getting frustrated and snapping when I’m sick of carrying you around all day and just want to put you down for ten minutes to go to the toilet, brush my hair, tidy the house and maybe check my emails.

You see I don’t do anything while you’re awake because I feel too guilty, so I wait until you and your sister are in bed and then stay up till 2am doing work and trying to get on top of things. It then means I’m tired the next day and we start a vicious cycle of pure exhaustion.

I want things to change but I’m not sure how or when they will. I’m not even sure why I’m writing this blog post other than to let others know that it’s not just them. And they’re not alone. There’s nothing quite like the cry of a baby suffering from reflux and I wish I could take it away from each and every one of you.

On a selfish note I wish I was still pregnant because I could still fantasise about the lovely newborn stage we were robbed of. I could sit and imagine holding you, cuddling you, letting you fall asleep in my arms and watching you peacefully dream. Instead of the reality, which is far from that scene. I try day after day to comfort you. You never seem to want to fall asleep. You wriggle and writhe about and never seem to be settled. Even when you are sitting on my lap you are frantically thrashing about 80% of the time. It breaks my heart and I feel guilty because I’m angry.

Angry of the fact that the 7.5 months I had to get to know you and bond with you, before I went back to work, have been completely tainted by your silent reflux.

This has not been the maternity leave I expected at all…

More on that soon.

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6 comments so far.

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Kisses and cuddles with my faves 💖💫 Kisses and cuddles with my faves 💖💫
‘Each of us as citizens, has a role to play in c ‘Each of us as citizens, has a role to play in creating a better world for our children.’ - Nelson Mandela ❤️
It’s not enough though, is it? We’ve always h It’s not enough though, is it?

We’ve always had diverse toys in our house (not enough, but I’m working on it ❤️), but when questioned ‘why do you buy your kids Black dolls?’, I’ve faltered and answered incorrectly. I would respond saying ‘because that’s the doll Isla liked the best. What does it matter? We’re all human’, rather than questioning why that person is questioning it in the first place.

In a massive learning curve this week, where I am actively trying to become an anti-racist ally, not just anti-racist/non racist in general, I have found so many shortcomings in my effort to educate my kids and in my own attitudes towards race. But this isn’t about me. So here are some resources I’d like to share on top of the ones shared in my stories.

Some books to read:
Me and White Supremacy - Layla F. Saad.
Why I’m No Longer Talking To White People About Race - Reni Eddo-Lodge.
How to argue with a racist - Adam Rutherford.
Brit(ish) - Afua Hirsch.
White Fragility - Robin Diangelo.
I Am Not Your Baby Mother - Candice Brathwaite.
So You Want to Talk About Race - Ijeoma Oluo.

Diverse kids books:
Anti Racist Baby - X. Kendi.
Riley Can Be Anything -Davina Hamilton.
Look Up - Nathan Bryon.
Mae Among The Stars - Roda Ahmed.
The Mega Magic Hair Swap - Rochelle Humes.
Let’s Talk About Race - Julius Lester.
Welcome To Our World - Moira Butterfield and Harriet Lynas.
This Book Is Antiracist - Tiffany Jewell.
The Extraordinary Gardener - Sam Boughton.
Let The Children March - Monica Clark-Robinson.
Ruby’s Worry - Tom Percival.
A Kids Book About Racism - Jelani Memory.

Some things to watch:
When They See Us.
13th.
Who Killed Malcom X.
Time: The Kalief Browder Story.
Explained: The Racial Wealth Gap.
Dear White People.
I am Not Your Negro.

My to do list:
- Sign more petitions.
- Donate to more causes.
- Listen to podcasts and share.
- Encourage changes in the school curriculum so that my children, and their classmates, get a better, much more rounded and diverse education.
- Call things out.
- Have honest/open conversations.
- Share content.
- To keep educating myself, whilst never expecting others to do it for me.

It’s just a starting point.

Thanks for listening x
Black Lives Matter. I can never pretend to unders Black Lives Matter.

I can never pretend to understand, but I will always stand.

I’ve been on a huge learning curve this week and have, shamefully, come to the realisation, which I should have a long time ago, that it’s not enough to just not be racist. We must also be actively anti-racist and do everything in our power to ensure our children are too.

Today is a day to stop, listen, support, educate ourselves, donate, sign petitions, take action in any way we can, big and small, to make sure that everyone knows we stand with our fellow humans, family and friends. But we can’t just do this today. We must do it each and every day going forward ✊🏿✊🏾✊🏽✊🏼✊🏻
And breathe! First day without both my babies for And breathe! First day without both my babies for the first time in 10 weeks today and it couldn’t have gone better. Both had wonderful days and were full of stories when they got home. I said over on stories last night, which got an incredible response so thank you to everyone who reached out, that I am completely comfortable with my choice to send the kids back to school and nursery but would never, ever judge anyone who felt different. We are all in different boats in this storm we’ve found ourselves in and what works for my family, might not work for yours. I have deliberately stayed out of the ‘are you sending your kids back or not?’ debate as it started to feel like another toxic discussion, in the media and on social media, that was resulting in yet another parenting divide.
I could have had the kids in this whole time, under key worker provision, but tried my best to hang on till the phased reopenings that I hoped would happen when they did. They were what I was aiming towards. Don’t get me wrong, I have LOVED having the kids at home together for such a sustained period, we have made lots of memories and learnt so much more about each other, but mixed in with the nature of my job and the fact that @thisdadalife is deployed and so I’m on my own with minimal support, I couldn’t have gone on much longer.
When I got in from dropping them off today, and as I went upstairs to work at my desk, I literally collapsed on the stairs and almost cried in relief. Relief that we made it through, as dramatic as that sounds. I don’t think I realised the toll it was taking mentally as I was constantly running on adrenaline.
I am so happy to get a bit more balance back and to, most importantly, feel like a better mum again. Not a snappy trying to juggle it all 24/7 with no break mum.
If you sent your kids back today, whether you wanted to or not, I’m with you and support you.
If you have kept them home in your bubble for longer, I’m with you and support you.
If you’re still unsure what to do and are undecided, I am with you and support you.
Nobody knows the full extent of someone else’s circumstances and we have to stop and realise that before we judge anyone else ❤️
Ibiza vibes in Puerto Gardeno today 😂☀️😅 Ibiza vibes in Puerto Gardeno today 😂☀️😅
This is the first year in YEARS that I have felt ok wearing a bikini. And I feel like it’s more down to how strong I feel, rather than how I look. Whatever it is, I hope it continues ❤️
On another note, how tanned does the @filterbymollymae fake tan make you look! 🙌🏻
(Both bikini and cover up are from last year).
#losingmyboobstho #youwinsomeyoulosesomehaha
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